When You’re Tempted to Only See the Ugly. . .
It happens to all of us at times. Whether it’s with our kids, or an acquaintance, or someone at work, church, or school. We are tempted to only see the ugly. Maybe we don’t know someone very well but the few interactions that we have had haven’t been great– we can be tempted to only see the ugly. When one of our kids is going through a difficult time and acting out or just being needy– we can be tempted to only see the ugly. When we have a difficult relationship with a family member– we can be tempted to only see the ugly. So often these difficult or frustrating interactions take the foreground in our minds and we overemphasize them, we make them seem as though the ugly interactions are the only ones we’ve had, or that the ugly in our kids is their normal. But this is rarely so. Often, that ugly interaction with a co-worker was only one of many interactions– but we’ve convinced ourselves that “she’s just like that.” Or maybe that particular kid just needs his tank filled up, but we’re convinced he has an attitude problem. We take these ugly interactions and make them paramount in our minds, repeating them again and again. It should not be this way, God calls us to more.
God’s way looks different. He doesn’t want us to replay the ugly again and again in our minds becoming more frustrated and distant from those around us. If you are a follower of Christ then you must see this differently, you must see more than the ugly in others. If you aren’t sure how you feel about all of this God stuff, well, I promise you that reading on and changing the way you see others will benefit you. So hang with me. . ..
In his letter to the Philippians, Paul tells them “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Philippians 4:8).” He doesn’t tell us to focus on the bad and assume the worst in others. He tells us to do just the opposite. Focus on what is lovely. Focus on what is commendable. Focus on anything worthy of praise.
This isn’t easy to do. Honestly, this has application in my life that I’d like to ignore. There are people in my life that if I really think about it, I’m just not interested in trying to see them in a different light. I’ve already made up my mind about them and quite frankly there just isn’t enough time in the day for me to try to find the good things to think about. Some of these people I barely know, some I’ve known my whole life. For someone that I barely know, if the interactions that I’ve had haven’t been great then I might need to invest more time with that person. It might be helpful to ask some questions, get to know her more. I might need to give her a chance to show me more of herself. When it’s someone I’ve known my whole life, I may need to go back and try to remember some things that are commendable, some things that are worthy of praise. And then I need to shift my focus and think of these things and not the ugly.
Why are we prone to gloss over the commendable, the lovely, the excellent? Why are we prone to focus on the ugly? Why do I find it so difficult to give others the benefit of the doubt or to give them grace and forgiveness? I certainly would prefer and sometimes even expect others to give me that same benefit of the doubt. I certainly require and am thankful for regular grace and forgiveness from others. And yet, sometimes I am stingy with these things. God calls me to so much more. In his letter to the churches around Ephesus, Paul says “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).” Tenderhearted. Forgiving as I have been forgiven. Is this my posture? Is this how I look at and treat others? When someone is irritating to me or not doing something the way that I think it should be done, am I tenderhearted, am I kind, am I quick to forgive?
At the end of the day, the reality is that I am not perfect, I have my own ugly– we all do. I hope that when others look at me, the ugly is not all that they see. I hope that they can look past my harsh or grumpy moments. I hope that they can see more than my selfish or inconsiderate moments. I hope that they aren’t tempted to only see the ugly when they look at me, because it is certainly there. But there is also so much more. And there is so much more in all of those people who we are tempted to only see the ugly in. But we might have to pause, we might have to make an effort to get to know that person, we might have to recalibrate our minds in order to focus on what is pure, lovely, and commendable in that person. We might have to stop placing the ugly at the forefront of our minds and replace it with what is praiseworthy and excellent. Shifting the focus, thinking on the lovely, commendable, and praiseworthy, it changes what we see and over time that changes how we feel. So when you’re tempted to only see the ugly, stop, and instead, think about these things: what is true, what is honorable, what is just, what is pure, what is lovely, what is commendable, anything that is excellent, anything praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).
