I am still broken.

I’m sitting up here in the mountains in this gorgeous inn. Austin and I were able to sneak away for a few days to rest and rejuvenate and spend some time together. If you check out the blog on Friday I’ll tell you more about why this inn is one my all time favorite things. Austin is still sleeping while I sit here and think back on the week. There are so many things that I want for my kids, for my family. And yet, I am just not a perfect parent. No matter how hard I try not to be, I am still broken. This past Wednesday I lost it on my kids, like truly lost it. I was angry and mean and all the things that I never want to be– I said things that I didn’t mean, things that should not be said. It’s hard for me to even sit here and write about it, to lay out my brokenness and sin for so many to see. I’ve always struggled with anger. Well . . . at least since I had children. I can be generally patient and kind but eventually I get pushed too far and I snap. It’s not something I’m proud of, It’s not the way it should be. It is the thing I know I will likely look back on when they are grown and wish I had done differently–my older, wiser self within me says relax, laugh more, lighten up. But my right now self says these things need to be done, those attitudes need to be corrected, and I can’t take one more sock on the floor.

Anger is the main thing that I have brought to the Lord over and over in the last 5 years. I have had to ask for forgiveness from the Lord and from my kids too many times. I continually try to work on it through repentance, memorizing scripture, and all sorts of other things. This most recent blow up really caught me off guard because the Lord has worked so much progress in me over the last few years–like I almost thought I conquered it. It has been a long time since I have had a major blow up with my kids. Not that I’ve been perfect–I’ve certainly been snippy with them at times, too harsh, or said something that wasn’t particularly encouraging. But as far as a complete meltdown from me, I was sure hoping those were a thing of the past. But alas . . .

Even as I write this I feel grief. I feel disappointment and frustration with myself. I feel fear that I will never truly conquer this issue in my life. I feel fear that my kids will be irreparably messed up because of me. I feel sadness and grief over the pain that I’ve caused. I feel frustration that I have to keep asking for forgiveness and trying again.

When Austin got home on Wednesday I told him I needed to go for a run. I was fine by then and so were the kids. Apologies and restorations had been made and we had moved on, but I was grief stricken. I knew I needed a minute and I was trying to do that in the most productive way possible, so I ran. As I ran I got to watch the sunset over the golf course. It was so intensely beautiful. It made me think of something a friend had said in my RISE group the very day before. It was something like this– while we as moms get tired of the everyday sameness, the mundane, God never gets tired of doing or seeing the same things over and over again, like the sunrise and sunset. Think of how many years God has watched the sun rise and set. Do you think he tires of its beauty? As I thought about this comment while I watched the beautiful scene before me I thought, well how could anyone ever get sick of watching something so beautiful. And thats when it hit me. While I cringe at the thought of having to apologize and repent again and again, of having to come back to the Lord and ask for his forgiveness and for his help moving forward, God sees the beauty. Not the beauty in my sin of course, but he doesn’t tire of watching a prideful heart turn back to him. He doesn’t tire of watching a mom get down on her knees and ask her children for forgiveness. He doesn’t tire of me coming back and telling him that I can’t do this alone and that I need the Holy Spirit to guide me. While it wears me down to need his grace and help because I am prideful, it brings him joy to give it to me.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.'” Lamentations 3:21-24

If you are in this place this morning, where you are tired and weary and are sick of having to ask forgiveness and turn and try again, I understand. It is painful to realize how broken we really are. But instead of sitting in that, and just feeling grief over that, there is a place to take it. You can take this to the only one who can truly forgive and heal. He is waiting for you with open arms and he delights in watching you come home. God delights in your broken heart, in your broken spirit. He delights in that far more than the outward appearance of repentance (Psalm 51:17). Having this broken heart over our sin is different than shame. Shame is from the enemy and he will use it to destroy. But a broken heart over our sin leads us back to the cross. And that is beautiful in God’s sight, no matter how many times he sees it.