Triggers

Why is anger so hard for us to talk about? There is a large amount of shame that seems to come alongside any issues with anger. Even as I start to write this, I’d rather not. Surely there is something else I could talk about, something that would be less uncomfortable. So many mamas reached out this past week after my last article saying that they struggle with anger too and that they feel alone. Hear me say now, you are not alone.

I want to talk about this topic for a few weeks. I want to shine a light in the darkness. For all of you who feel like you are alone and like this is something that you will never conquer, I want you to know that there is hope and there is light even through this struggle. For this week I had hoped to share a few practical tips–things that have helped me to grow in this area over the years. But as I started writing, the very first one took up so much space that I decided it needed its own week.

Triggers. We all have them. Different things trigger different people to feel anger. We all have different things that provoke us when it comes to frustration and impatience and anger. I want to be clear from the start that I’m not saying that these triggers justify a reaction or that other people should have to make sure to “not trigger you.” When I say ‘triggers’ I’m just talking about those things for each of us that tend to make us feel angry, certain patterns of things that cause us to feel that ugly feeling in our gut. The best thing I did with regards to anger with my children was when I took some time and started trying to observe my feelings of anger. When did I feel angry? Why did I feel angry? I tried to refrain from casting judgment over these feelings right away. I already knew that I should not feel angry all the times that I did, but I didn’t understand why I felt that way.

If you struggle with anger, take this week and observe your feelings. When are you starting to feel that anger well up inside you? What is happening around you? Not just the immediate thing–go further than just “Susie just hit Sally.” Observe other things about the situation. Write them down. This will help you to identify patterns and find what is at the heart of why you feel angry.

Here are some examples of what this looks like for me. This is just to help you get thinking and see what this process could look like.

Scenario 1:

• One child is playing piano, another is asking me for a drink, one walks in with a math question, and another falls and hits his head in the next room. I start to feel anger and frustration well up inside me. No one has done anything wrong, but I feel angry. Why is this?

Scenario 2:

• Hustling to get everyone off to the van to make it to the park to meet friends. The littlest has an accident and now needs a mini wipes bath and new clothes from upstairs. Two kids are arguing over seats in the van as they get in. I trip over some shoes that were left out in the porch. One kid is coming back inside to grab a book when she’s supposed to be buckling. My phone pings and reminds me that we have Kroger order that is overdue for pickup. I feel like I might scream. Why is this?

Scenario 3:

• The boys have been rough with each other all day. They continue to break our house rule of not running in the house despite my reminders. They can’t seem to stop touching each other and they are regularly hurting each other wrestling or kicking or tackling or whatever it is they are doing. I feel frustrated and angry. Why is this?

Scenario 4:

• There is strife in one of my close relationships–maybe it’s an in-law, maybe it’s a friend. It is taking up mental space and energy. I am replaying a scenario or something that I said in my head as my daughter walks up and complains that her sister hurt her feelings. I feel impatient and want them to just stop being mean. Why is this?

You may not identify with all of these scenarios, but I’m sure you can think of your own. In each of the situations I’m tempted to just blow up, to just let my anger fly and not look behind the curtain. But those feelings of frustration, anger, or impatience, they are trying to tell me something. If I can pause, if I can listen, there is something to learn there.

Feelings are instructive. Our feelings can tell us that something about a situation is not okay. Sometimes our feelings are right and true and tell us good information. But sometimes our feelings are warped and confused and we get mixed messaging. Instead of listening to it, I often want to just push a feeling of anger away, or conceal it, but ultimately this usually ends up with me letting that anger fly in a most unpleasant way. I think, it order to move past our issues with anger, we have to listen to the feeling first. Please don’t misunderstand me– I’m not condoning it, I’m not saying that my feelings of anger are correct and good, but I am saying that those feelings are trying to tell me that there is a problem and that problem is worth taking time to unravel.

So let’s do just that. These 4 scenarios are examples of triggers in my life that make up at least 90% of the times that I feel angry. Knowing that about myself has helped me immensely. Taking all of my examples and all of the times that I felt anger and basically distilling them down to 4 triggers was incredibly freeing for me. That felt more manageable–it felt like I could actually change.

Trigger/Scenario #1 — CHAOS

When I spent time identifying my triggers, this was the biggest one for me–chaos. It really surprised me when I finally put my finger on it. Chaos makes me feel angry. When there is a lot of noise and activity and there are too many things going on at once, when there is too much being asked of me at one time, I start to feel angry. Now, notice that in that scenario, no one did anything wrong, but I felt angry nonetheless. This is a hard wiring within me, I like order and I like for things to run smoothly. I was raised as an only child by a single parent. I had a lot of quiet and alone time growing up. Then I decided to get married and have 5 kids– alone time and quiet are a thing of the past and my brain can’t quite seem to get on board with that the way my heart has. Chaos makes my head feel like it might explode. So I have come up with ways to manage that chaos better. I have worked to lessen the chaos and have a toolbox to turn to when I start to feel the chaos building. I also have given myself permission for things to just sometimes be chaotic, it is a momentary thing, not a forever thing. I have 5 children–moments of chaos come with the territory. More on the practical tips for that next week. But even just knowing that it is chaos that is making me feel angry, not a person, not a behavior– just the chaos– has been so helpful. When I can identify why I feel angry, then I can help myself or maybe even just laugh at myself and the situation, instead of feeling angry.

Trigger/Scenario #2 — I am not enough

My second trigger is close to the first, but it isn’t the same. In this one I am feeling angry because I feel like I am not enough. I just can’t seem to get all the things done and show up on time and look good doing it. In my mind I am hearing something like this:

“The house is a mess and the girls haven’t brushed their hair and who left their shoes out on the porch and we are already 5 minutes late leaving and what do you mean you didn’t put on shoes!!!!! Now we are late, shoeless, and disheveled– my friend never looks that way. What will she think of me? I certainly don’t think much of myself at the moment. Why can’t I keep it together, why can’t I get everything done? Everyone else is doing it better.”

This isn’t truth. These are lies whispered in my ear. But at times I start to listen to them, I start to believe them. When I feel this way now, I stop that voice. I put it in check. I remind myself that yes, I am not enough. I recite 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 in my mind and I carry on. Knowing that I am weak, that I am imperfect, but that Christ’s power is made perfect through that weakness. Therefore, I do not need to hide it–I can boast in it. I can be okay with the fact that I don’t have it all together, I can smile and laugh at the egg I found in the 2 year-old’s hair when we arrive at the park. I can humble myself and not think more highly than I ought of my own position, of my own capabilities. I can just be me and let Christ do his work through my insufficiency.

Trigger/Scenario #3

I think this one is a little different. In my first two examples my feelings were confused and it took some unraveling to even understand why I felt anger. No one had done anything wrong and I still felt angry. In this example, with the boys, I think my feelings are more accurate and they are giving me information about something that isn’t right–the boys aren’t obeying and they aren’t treating each other well. My anger is telling me that I should act, that something should be done. The question is what? Should I lose my cool and yell at them? For the love, they are acting like wild monkeys! We all know the answer here–yelling won’t help or solve anything, it will only pile on another layer. This really is just a parenting issue. My anger is telling me that the boys aren’t heeding my instruction and I need to do something about it. This may be an immediate consequence, or maybe I need to redirect them and give them a specific activity to do that will prevent them from this silly behavior. Maybe this has been happening a lot and there needs to be some more serious discussions with the boys or with my husband to figure out a plan to change this habit going forward. Whatever it is, I can pause in that anger and say, something needs to happen here. And if I’m not sure what it is in that moment, I can redirect them until I know what to do next.

Trigger/Scenario #4 — Emotional weightiness

This one has played a larger role in my underlying frustration over the years than I care to admit. When there is something going on, a conflict with someone outside our home or even just a medical diagnosis for a friend or a hardship that someone is going through, these things weigh on my mind. They take up a lot of mental and emotional space and they make me more short tempered with my children. My mind is not here in the moment on our own things, but it is off rethinking what I could have done differently or how I can help that friend who is struggling. Then when a child interrupts my thought process, I’m frustrated. How can you care about snack when Nana has an important doctor’s appointment this morning and I’m still waiting for a phone call with her test results. It feels silly as a I write it, but it’s real. A lot of times when I’m short tempered, there is something else going on, something in the background. I’m going to hit on more practical tips for for all of these triggers (and others) next week, but I want to say now that for this one, you have to give those burdens over to the Lord. You have to lay them at his feet. Do what you can for that person in need, give an apology if you have done wrong in a relationship, be generous with forgiveness and grace to whoever has wronged you– but then lay it down.

Okay, this was long. Thanks for hanging in there. Go this week and observe those feelings of anger. Write them down. When did you feel angry? Why did you feel angry? What was happening around you? Try not to cast judgement on your feelings for now. Then start trying to identify any patterns and see if you can see what the heart of the triggers are for you. We’ll talk more practical tips next week.