What Can I Do When I Feel Angry?
Hello everyone, I hope that you all had a great Thanksgiving! My apologies for the week long hiatus on my end. We had a kid test positive for COVID the Sunday before Thanksgiving and it changed all of our plans and I was feeling a little overwhelmed. But I’m back at it now and I wanted to get us back to this topic of anger. Specifically, I wanted to share some practical things that have really helped me when I feel angry. We talked about triggers 2 weeks ago and I think it’s so helpful for me to know what things tend to set me off, but once I am feeling angry, what can I do? Here are some of the things that I do time and time again. Over the years I’ve figured out which ones work best in which situations and it has helped me to have self-control even when I feel angry. I am still a work in progress, but I have a come a long way from my early years of motherhood.
(1) Ask yourself why you are angry.
If you have the time and mental clarity, ask yourself why you are angry. It helps me to identify the cause, because sometimes if I know why I am angry, then there is an action I can take. For example, it makes me feel angry when my kids run in the house and are loud. Sometimes when they do this I don’t even realize it, I just start to feel frustrated and I’m not even sure why. But if I can stop and ask myself the question, then I can do something about it. Instead of yelling at them and losing my cool, I can ask them to each go grab a book and sit down and read. It only takes a minute to get the two little ones settled in a chair with a few books and the big ones can do it themselves. This buys me at least 10 minutes of quiet to reset and also takes away the thing that was making me feel overwhelmed in the first place. This leads me to #2:
(2) Have a few “go to” things to keep your kids occupied while you calm down.
When I start to feel anger welling up inside me it helps me to just have a break. A few quiet minutes can go a long way. But I have 5 kids, so this isn’t easy to do without a little forethought. So, I have a few “go to” things that I use when I need a few minutes of quiet. I mentioned one above, I have the kids sit and read. My kids have been trained to do this and they enjoy it and it is easy for me. A second “go to” is to send them outside. My oldest is able to keep on eye on my youngest and we live on a safe street. So I can send my kids outside to play and this gives me a few minutes to breath. A third “go to” is to divide them up and give them specific activities to do that do not require my help. You could even make your “go to” having them watch a show if need be. Whatever works for you, have these things on the ready. When you start to feel that frustration well up inside you– use your “go to” things right away. Don’t wait.
(3) Worship Music and Prayer
If I catch myself early enough, music can almost always do the trick. I put on some worship music or actually my favorite is bible verses put to song. Here are two of my favorite albums and the kids love them too: Lamplight and Slugs and Bugs. These can snap me out of my frustration and mood pretty quickly as long as I’ve caught it early. I also often pray/sing “Lord I need Thee every hour” or “The joy of the Lord is my strength” to myself and this calms me. Have some music on the ready that you can play easily. Think of a song that might calm you or recenter you on Christ and be ready to sing it to yourself. Use these early, when you first start feeling frustrated, don’t wait too long.
(4) Get outside
When I’m just having a crabby day and other things aren’t working well, I get outside. Fresh air helps me immensely. We go for a hike or even a short walk. It is hard to be in a bad mood when you are surrounded by the beauty of God’s creation. If you hike with kids, take snacks.
(5) Text a friend, confess and ask for prayer
I find that it isn’t helpful for me to actually talk to a friend when I’m angry. I tend to just vent and complain. Maybe this isn’t you, but if it is, text a friend instead. Confess that you are having a hard day, that you are feeling angry and frustrated and are having a hard time snapping out of it. Ask them to pray for you. This is so humbling but it is so effective. We shouldn’t be surprised, God tells us that when we confess our sins to each other and pray for each other that he will heal us (James 5:16).
(6) Put a guard over your mouth
Proverbs 141:3 says “set a guard over my mouth O Lord . . ..” So often when I am angry I just need to stop speaking. I want so badly to let my words fly, but I just need to stop. Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord. Proverbs 29:11 says “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.” There is something inside me that wants to vent my anger, that wants to let it out. But a wise man holds this back. Sometimes we just have to stop. To have self-control and choose not to speak. This would be a good time to employ one of your “go to” things from #2 and take a minute. Just stop speaking. Asking the Lord to put a guard over your mouth and to help you hold back your spirit.
(7) When all else fails, give yourself a Mama time out
I have been known to sit on my front stoop and cry. Again, the fresh air does something for me, it jolts me from within myself. So the stoop is my favorite place. But you can lock yourself in your bathroom if you prefer. I know this is hard with littles. Put them in a safe space and go somewhere that you cannot hear them. You may only need a few minutes to collect yourself but I know that I can’t do it when I can hear them crying or yelling for me. So to the stoop I will go. I do not need this very often these days. This is a last resort for me. But I used to need it a lot more. And I wish during that time that I would have used it more than I did. Time alone in a pac n play would not have done as much damage as my words or attitude when I was angry. Give yourself a time out.
(8) Keep reminding yourself that whatever is happening will soon pass.
I read this in one of Rachel Jancovic’s books once. She was talking about when they had the twins and how she would feel overwhelmed and she would tell herself that in 20 minutes (or whatever amount of time) that this struggle would be over. I remember that often when I start feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. This thing that is frustrating me will be over soon, but my words and the way I treat my children will have effects far longer. Remind yourself that this moment will pass, but the anguish and regret over a harsh word or bad attitude will linger far longer.
Man, this is just hard stuff. What other things have you all found that have helped you? What do you do when you start to feel angry? What helps you calm down and have self-control in those moments? I’d love to hear some ideas from all of you. Keep at this Mamas, it is so worth it. There was a time where I thought it would never get better. I was tired of the strife and I was tired of apologizing and I felt like the worst mom in the world. But those were lies whispered in my ear, something the enemy told me to try to keep me from something better. Things did get better, and they continue to each day. Lean in, ask God to walk alongside you, and keep at it. Don’t give up hope.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
